It has been a long time
3.10.13
I have not been here in quite some time. Wow has life changed. I have been through some tough times over the past few months but I think things are finally turning around. I don’t know where I left off. In early December 2012 I was diagnosed with pseudotumor cerebri also known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension. Wow did that make a mess out of things. I basically shut down after that. I ended up getting pretty sick from the spinal tap, had a quick hospital visit and just never really got over feeling pretty bad. Late December I started “IOP” or intensive outpatient treatment for depression and anxiety. I think it had been a long time coming and the news of this disease, which I caused by gaining weight, just pushed things right over the edge. I hit the point where I thought just maybe I was better off not here anymore. I saw Dr E and she got me into the IOP program that day. There were a few bumps in the road along the way but it all worked out in the end. I got very sick from the spinal tap and had to drop out of IOP for about 10 days. That was definitely a blessing in disguise. Though I was in a lot of pain because of the spinal tap/leak, when I was well and able to return to group it was the best group! I was meant to be in that group with those people! We were all meant to meet and be a support to each other. I also had luck with meeting a fantastic psychiatrist who is on the same page as I am with medication. I am a big believer in less is more. I know the majority of my depression is due to my childhood and the way I feel about myself rather than being mostly a chemical issue. Dr K made me feel like she agrees. She also has a lot of knowledge about my brain condition and how it can affect my mood. My greatest things that came from IOP was meeting a new therapist. One of the facilitators of the groups was M. M and I clicked from the moment we met. The odd thing is we were there for the exact same amount of time. I started on a Thursday, she started on a Saturday that same week. Her last day was a Monday, my last day was Wednesday of that same week. I believe things happen for a reason and I 100% believe she and I were meant to cross paths. I had worked with my old counselor for 6+ years and through all of these things going on with me over the past 3-6 months, DD was just “unavailable”. It was so bad at one point I did not hear from her for 6+ weeks. In the midst of my mental breakdown she just disappeared. Again, I believe that happened for a reason…so I could be open to finding M.
I now have been working with M for about 6 weeks. I have been more open with her than I have even been with DD. I had stuffed some pretty horrible memories down so far that I didn’t remember them. After just the 3rd meeting with M, they came back! These memories make so many things make sense in my life. If I could have had someone like M working with me over the past several years I may have been able to avoid the full meltdown I had this past year. Either way I am getting better now!
Dr K told me about a program at a local hospital. It is called the Liveit! program. This is a program designed to help you lose weight but it is not a fad diet. It is about teaching you to eat “properly” without even thinking about it. Basically the way they explained it is like this… When you are on something like weight watchers you are always having to be cautious like a new driver. No matter how long you are on it you will always have to think about how many points you are consuming. If you change your eating habits to what is taught in this program, you will be cautious at first but over time it will just come natural and you won’t have to be so cautious-like an experienced driver. The program is 24 weeks. I am about 7 weeks in and have been doing great! I have my slip ups but over all I can see how this is going to change my life forever! I have lost about 17 pounds so far and am already feeling better. I can imagine it will only get better from here.
I have been struggling with some people in my life. As it turns out those who have been friends maybe are no longer. As I am getting better I am finding people in my life are not who they seem to be. It makes me… I don’t know if sad is the word, maybe disappointed is more the feeling. I had a long talk with M about it. I feel anymore that I am the one working so hard to keep the friendship going. I make the effort to text, visit or make attempts at plans. M asked me “if she didn’t live across the street, if you hadn’t been friends for so long, would you keep up the effort? When you are back at work and in your own place will you continue with the effort?” My answer to her was no, I don’t think so. What made me sad about that was that I felt guilty about so easily being able to say no. I feel like a bad person. I feel like that makes me a user, like I am friends with her out of convenience. That makes me sick! Maybe I am and that is something I need to be aware of, accept and move on from. If I am in fact a “user” I need to not be this again. I have been used by so many and it is not a good feeling! I am going to “let it be” as M suggested and see how things play out. I feel as though JK (my “friend” across the street) is mad at me. I explained the feeling to M like this. I feel like JK is upset with me because I found a fantastic therapist and psychiatrist. I worked my butt off to find them! I have been through some really crappy ones and kept searching until I found these. JK has done nothing really to find anyone. I am frustrated because she doesn’t have to pay for her therapy/psychiatry and I do! She is on state insurance and I am paying $490 a month for my health insurance. It is very irritating when people “complain” about wanting to get well then do nothing about it. I have been doing what I can for several years, even paying out-of-pocket for counseling for 6 years, trying to get better. I feel like now my 15 years of hard work is starting to pay off. I know everyone has their issues. I know my depression is worse for me because it is happening to me. I know JKs depression is worse for her because it is happening to her. I know it is hard to do something about it. I really do. I have the added joy of a stupid brain condition and now the joy of looking for full-time work while dealing with the same issues but I am doing it! I don’t have the choice to sit at home, sleep all day, play chefville and buy junk food paid for by the government while others HAVE to go work. I am one of the HAVE to people. The best part is while she is sitting there feeling so “down” she has the nerve to post things on FaceBook about how much taxpayers spend on inmates. I just find that so amusing. The “woman” who has worked maybe 3 years in her adult life (she is 32) is griping about what taxpayers have to deal with. Hmm?? Ok enough ranting. I got a little carried away. My point is, I am sympathetic to people who suffer from depression. I am not sympathetic to those who use it as an excuse to be lazy or take advantage of the system/family members. If you have a problem, do something about it! Get off your ass and deal! That is what I did and trust me it was not easy and it took several months and it is going to take several more but it will be the only way I will feel better. Isn’t that reason enough to do it?!
I have started the job hunting process. I am terrified and excited at the same time. I think I am ready but the interview process is…YIKES! I think my emotions are through the roof as it is and I do not like the interview process to start with. My plan is to be as prepared as possible. I have started working on how to answer the difficult questions like why have I been off work for the past several months. I have also been googling how to answer the typical questions like “tell me about yourself” and “what are your strengths and weaknesses”. I think that is what is going to keep my nerves in check. The biggest thing keeping me going is that this will get me closer to getting my own place. I just can’t wait to get my stuff out of storage and set up my own home. I know I will be so successful with my eating when I am in my own place. I will have no excuses! I won’t have the temptation like I have now. I can pack my lunch, prepare my dinners and make my breakfast as I want without having to worry about being in anyones way. I just need to remind myself of that whenever I get freaked out about getting a job or going on an interview!
During all of this I have had a lot of family stuff going on too. My mom had uterine cancer. She had a biopsy to confirm this which then gave her a pulmonary embolism. She had a hysterectomy and has since nearly recovered though she will be on blood thinners for several months. My dad has been having heart issues and is now refusing the follow-up with his heart doctor. It was recommended he have a procedure to open a valve or something (he didn’t give much detail on this) but he feels it is “unnecessary”. He is also having issues with his prostate. He has a mass that has been determined not to be cancerous however it needs to be removed because it is causing him to have an enlarged bladder and kidney. His urologist won’t proceed with treatment until his heart doctor does whatever is necessary but he is refusing the heart treatment. It is so frustrating! I get so annoyed sitting in the house listening to the 2 of them go back and forth about how doctors just scam people. It appears to me that the doctor who worked on my dad in ’79 saved his life when he had a heart attack. It appears to me the doctor who detected the cancer early enough in my mom to save her from radiation and chemo didn’t scam them. It appears to me the doctor who removed my sisters cancerous kidney before it spread to anywhere else in her body didn’t scam her. Maybe I am wrong. The doctors/counselors/etc. who treated me when I was in IOP saved my life and guided me to the right people to help me. They are helping me make lifelong changes. I guess it is all in how you look at things. I had a doctor do so pretty terrible things to me as a young child (the terrible memories mentioned above) yet I still go to doctors to help get answers to what is going on with me. All doctors are not bad. Some are FOR SURE but not all of them.
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