Another day

•May 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment


Today I went to my parents house as normal for mother’s day. My mood has steadily been improving over the past week or so, so I thought I would be ok going. It went as I expected but not as I had hoped. The entire time my parents were so focused on my oldest niece, the “troubled” one. They literally stayed in the kitchen, away from the rest of the family “sheltering” her. My younger niece stayed with them. I was having no part of that so I sat in the living room with my brother, aunt, uncle, sister, brother-in-law, and oldest nephew. My youngest 2 nephews played in another room. Everything was going fine until the younger nephews got into it. They are each a child of one of my siblings.  That caused the “great divide”.  All of a sudden my sister’s family was ready to go.  My sister can’t handle the fact that her son is kind of a bully and my brother can’t handle the fact that his son is kind of an angry whiner.  My sister was out the door in a matter of minutes, which never happens.  My brother was getting his kids and their things together.  His oldest daughter was starting her “drama” of not wanting to do anything the rest of her family was doing.  My parents started whispering back and forth about how she could just stay with them while he runs errands.  I finally said “he is taking the kids to get mothers day presents for his wife and mother in law and the kids are going to help pick them out, she should go with them”.  I know that did not make my mom happy with me.  I am just so irritated with them supporting the separation between my brother and his child.  By them always keeping her, they are encouraging the distance between them.  How do I not get involved?!?!?!?  The best way is to just not be around it!  That is why I get so frustrated when I have to go to their house!  I don’t want to go.  It makes me sick when I have to go there and that is the problem, I HAVE TO!  If I don’t go I have to deal with the guilt.  If I do go I have to do with whatever this feeling is.  Anger?  Agitation? Annoyance? Bitterness? Jealousy? (jealous that they are SO worried about my nieces care yet were never concerned about me as a child or me the past 8-9 months when I was ill) I just don’t know what to do.  I feel so torn.  I have so serious thinking to do this next week or two. I have not been to see my therapist for a bit because I have been sick and super grouchy from the medication my regular physician put me on.  I think I really need to jump head first in to how to handle this.  I have not been able to “recover” from this mood since leaving their hose over 6 hours ago.  I even went home and slept thinking that would help but it just did not make a difference.  I cried for just a bit but I did not want to let myself go there.  M would have said “let it out” but it is not worth it.  I don’t want to get myself worked up over this.  I am trying my hardest to focus on the positive and if I get myself crying over this I will feel defeated by it.  I think the one or two tears I let out was just enough to say I was bothered and hurt but not going to completely let it ruin the progress I have made the past several days.

I had a strange interaction with a “friend” this week.  I worked with this woman at my previous employer and we were somewhat close while we worked together.  During my leave I didn’t really reach out to her much because she was still working for the company.  Not long after I permanently left she left too.  She since has been let go of her job and is looking for work.  She has been dealing with a lot of the same depression issues I have.  We have become closer because we have a lot in common. (weight issues, depression, family stuff, etc.)  While we were out this week she got a call from her mother and said she needed to step out of Starbucks to take it.  I thought it was because she didn’t want to be rude and talk at the table.  Then she got a call from a friend and did it again.  When she came back in she made a comment about how she doesn’t tell anyone she hangs out with me and doesn’t want anyone to know.  I was really surprised by this comment.  My insecurities were blaring in that moment!  I don’t understand why she would say something like that or think that she couldn’t tell her friends and family she is hanging out with me.  Needless to say, I will be asking her about this.  I don’t think I can continue to hang out with her without knowing what her comment meant.  I am hoping it was purely innocent meaning just that day but I have a hunch it was more than that.  I am finding more and more I am happiest in my own company or in the company of strangers.  Strangers have no expectations, no rules, no secrets.  They are who they are and when they walk away that is it, end of story.  I think that is what I am going to go with from now on.  I enjoy going to Starbucks and sitting there for hours and maybe chatting with a stranger or maybe not.  That is ok.  I go home, eat my lunch or dinner and continue on with whatever I am doing.  My “friends” don’t do things that are hurtful or upsetting to throw a wrench in my day and I can continue on with what I am doing.




•May 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I thought things were going to get better.  I was wrong.  I am not sure what to do next.  I have moved into my own place.  I have been having limited contact with family, even the kids.  Right now I am even feeling like I don’t want to have much contact with any of my friends or any of my doctors.  I am hoping it is just the medicine talking.  About 2 weeks ago I got sick with a virus.  It settled in my throat and caused me to have a severe asthma attack.  I didn’t know that was the problem for about a week.  I was trying all sorts of cold medications and they just were not working.  I finally caved and called my general doctor, Dr E.  She is just fantastic!  As soon as I walked in she said “you are having an asthma attack”.  I had to do 2 breathing treatments right there in her office.  I have never had to do that in my life!  I wasn’t scared it was just crazy how I thought I just had a cold and it turned out to be a bit more than that.  I have since lost my voice completely due to irritation of my vocal cords.  Because of all of this and because the cough did not go away after 2 days of serous inhaler use, she decided to put me on prednisone (sp?).  I have been on this medication in the past and I know exactly how I react to it!  I get… really pissed off, really easily!  No one has to do anything to cause me to get pissed off either.  That is the worst part of being on this medication.  I can think about something that happened 5 years ago and it is like it happened yesterday and I am mad all over again.  I have purposely not called or sent any texts to anyone the past 3 days.  I am trying to be extra cautious.  But that alone is pissing me off.  No one is reaching out to me.  So I am sitting here is Starbucks pissed off at the people I call my friends thinking “well, if I was dead on the side of the road how many days would I sit there until one of you would notice?”.  I’m not sure if that is the depression talking or the meds.  It is probably a combination of both!  I am supposed to see M tomorrow but I am going to cancel.  I am, of course, pissed off at her too.  She didn’t do anything, I just am.  I can see another day of her sitting there staring at me, waiting for me to talk and me sitting there, pissed off, NOT on the verge of tears for a change, NOT talking just because I am pissed off and don’t want to.  What is the point of wasting her time and mine?  I can say will near certainty that it will NOT be a productive counseling session and I do not want to see her.  I do not see how saying I am pissed off at her and that I have no reason to be and trying to explain it is just the medication doing it will help anything.  I think I just need to take a break, let my voice/throat heal this week and start fresh next week when I have my head clear.  I just hope she can understand it is nothing personal.  I’m sure she is going to give me grief about it but it is up to me…

I have applied for so many jobs I just want something to come through.   It is a blow to the already fragile ego when I can’t get a job.  I am so willing to take a job even if it is something that I am over qualified for.  I don’t care.  I want to work.  I don’t think taking a job I did 2 or 4 years ago is beneath me.  I would gladly take a job that means less stress even if it means less pay.  I just want less expensive healthy insurance and I would like to be able to use my brain again.   I feel like my brain is turning to mush each day I am not working.  I was sick for so long yet now that I am sort of feeling better I am starting to feel dumb!  I have applied for part-time work for evenings and weekends.  I am hoping that comes through soon.  I would like to start somewhere part-time and then ease into a full-time job soon after.  Maybe I can get my finances in order that way…

I have been watching the kids H & H the past few weeks.  I was having so much fun.  I am super irritated with their mother to the point that I just don’t know if I can stand doing it any longer.  I have now caught her in a lie 2 times.  She is trying to use guilt/lies to get me to her house sooner when she knows I have prior obligations or plans of my own that are preventing me from doing exactly what she wants.  The first time was about 3 weeks ago.  She asked me to watch the kids at a specific time.  As the date approached she wanted me to come a bit earlier.   I said if she wanted me to she would have to let me know a few days in advance because that afternoon I was meeting KM for lunch.  I never heard a word so I went with the original time.  The day of, while I was at lunch with KM, I got the text asking me to come early.  Out of frustration I did not reply.  When I did not reply immediately, HH sent a text saying they were going to pick up someone and that is why I needed to come early.  I did respond and I did end up at the house at the earlier time, cutting my lunch date short.  When I arrived at the house, I found the parents (H & G) home, with the contractor, going over the plans for the new house.  They didn’t leave for over an hour and did NOT have anyone to pick up.  In fact, they were not even going to the first half of the Blazer game, they were skipping it to grab dinner and then going to the second half-completely contradicting what H had said in her text (needing to pick someone up to take to the game…).  That was very insulting to me.  What could I say in the moment?  The second time happened just this past weekend.  H sent me a text saying a friend of hers had a sitter cancel and she was in need of help.  I had sat for them before and said sure, I would love to help out.  This one irritated me in two ways.  #1 H called someone else to watch her kids-knowing full well I am in desperate need of $ to make ends meet while I am not working (she hired the other girl because she can pay her less per hour) and #2 There never was another sitter involved-this was a last-minute plan to go out together as 2 couples.  I don’t care if it was last-minute or planned in advance.  If I am free I will do it, if I am not free I won’t.  It is as simple as that.  H has known me for 10 years and G has known me for 13.  I have been nothing but true to them.  Why would they now think it is ok to lie to me?  All this does is make me not want to be a part of their life anymore.  I love watching those 2 little ones so much but it is time for me to do what is right for my life.  I think “signs” are pointing to moving on from watching them and letting go of this part of my life.  I have always had children in my life.  I think at this point the children in my life need to be my own.  Time to figure out how to make that happen…

Things are changing

•April 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

“How will you know if it’s the right decision if you never make it?”

So many things are changing in my life.  I feel like things are coming together and falling apart at the same time.  I think things are falling apart so the right things can come together…

How do you know when it is time to end a friendship?  I have been trying to keep it together for so long.  I feel like I am the only one trying.  I text, I call, I go and visit.  If I don’t reach out, then there is no relationship.  How do I let something go that has been a part of my life for 25+ years?  I have only known life with her.  I thought that she would be a part of my life forever, in some way or another.  That has to be the case ONLY if she is willing to work on it.  Right now I am sad but soon that won’t be the case.  When I am no longer living close by and no longer unemployed I won’t have this much energy and time to keep trying.  Maybe I am kind of answering my own question.  I don’t really have anything in common with her anymore.  All she does anymore is sit a watch TV and play on her computer and eat shit food.  I don’t watch TV much at all anymore and I am on my computer to job hunt, apartment hunt and that is about all.  I think TV is a waste of time for me anymore.  I am also trying to be more aware of what I am eating.  I think it is just time to move on, even if she attempts to reach out now.  My counselor, M, had suggested I reach out to her and her mother because they are/we support for me when I was go through out-patient treatment.  I think the support has gone away.  I just read a quote that I think might apply here.  “I don’t chase anyone anymore.  Wanna walk out of my life, there’s the door.  Hell, I’ll even hold it for you”

After what has probably been one of the shittiest years of my life, I feel like things are finally turning around.  One year ago this month I went through a terrible ending of a relationship.  It was not a “break-up” but an end of a very close, loving relationship with THE ONLY person I trusted in the entire world.  It ended one night in a matter of minutes and had not been dealt with until the past few weeks/months.  I was completely in love and thought no matter what he would be part of my life even if we were nothing more than friends.  He knew how I felt about him (except that I really was in love with him).  I think that was the start of the end.  I had been having some minor health problems before that but I think this pushed everything into full swing.  Just days after this incident with him, I had to move in with family.  OH BOY!  What a terrible idea but I had to do it.  FInancially it was necessary because of medical bills. By June, from the combination of the break-up and living with family, along with underlying health issues and horrible work pressures, I was pretty much falling apart.  The breaking point was mid-July when I was told I was “not working hard enough” though, in retrospect, I know I was working beyond capacity for one human being. (as was confirmed by an employee of our local employment department while looking over my resume… and I quote “you were doing all these job duties yourself?  You should have had a staff of 2-3 under you”.  Talk about validation!)  I had my “meltdown” in July and then got the Pseudotumor diagnosis November.  Not only did I have all of my own shit going on, I had both parents become ill, my brother was going through a terrible divorce only to go back to his crazy ex-wife, my niece was having mental illness issues and through all of this I was still THE family member responsible for making sure everyone else was ok!  I never really did get to just “be” will my mental illness or my brain illness.  It was sort of… pushed to the back burner so I could take care of others.  I had moments but overall, as it has been my whole life, caring for others HAS to come first.  Now that everyone is well, it is time for me.  I am 13 weeks into my class and I feel like I have missed out on a lot.  I am disappointed that I have wasted that many weeks on others but NO MORE!

I hit a point with M that I was in a vicious cycle.  If I didn’t do something to break the cycle it was never going to happen.  I made the decision the only step I could really control was getting my own place.  Financially it is going to be tough but it doesn’t matter.  Something had to give.  As M put it, I was in crisis and boy was she right!  And boy did that break the cycle!  My mood didn’t change but it is nice to have something to look forward to.  I still have many sad/crying moments a day and will for some time but I can have them in my own space very soon.  Just last week I applied for 3 or 4 positions with a company that offers child care assistance.  Part of my long-term goals is to have a child.  Not right away but maybe in the next 2-3 years-once my mental and physical healthy is consistent and stable.  I am VERY excited about the job and all of the perks. (not only the discounted child care) I have a second interview tomorrow. If that goes well I will have a third and them be back in the working world hopefully pretty soon! The next item on the list is working on my weight.  I am meeting with S from my weight loss group after our meeting on Tuesday.  I was emailing with her back and forth asking for additional support and she said she knows I am dealing with shitting family stuff.  She is going to help me get back on track!  🙂  The biggest piece to the puzzle is mental!  M promises me it is going to get better.  I know it is but WHEN?  She and I had a long talk about me just coming to terms with the fact that tears are a part of my life and I need to embrace them :).  Sadness and tears just happen a lot for me these days and the more I go with it the sooner they might just go away.  I am going to do my best with that and see how it goes.  Things are finally looking up!



•March 22, 2013 • Leave a Comment


I am very angry today.  Everything is pissing me off.  I had to take my mom to work again today even though she could have driven herself.  She is totally recovered from her surgery!  She is able to walk around Costco for an hour then around the fabric store straight after that with no problems.  If she can do that she can walk the 3 minutes from her parking lot to her building at work!  I think what started the bad mood was when I got home last night from my meeting with M, nobody asked how I was or how my appointment went.  It was the “you need to do this and the kids need that” and how my niece W is struggling at her group home.  WHAT ABOUT ME???????

This morning I was driving her to work and she was reminding me to make phone calls that I knew I needed to make.  DUH!  I am a grown woman.  I know what I am doing!!  Yesterday it was reminding me of what lane to be in to drive her home.  WTF!  I have been driving these streets for 20 years.  I think I might know where I am going by now.  I have also been driving her to and from work off and on for the past 8 months!  I snapped yesterday and said “I am a big girl, I know how to drive!  I know where I am going and maybe have driven these streets once or twice and can handle it!”   Every Friday is garbage day here.  Every Friday my entire driving life (that I have lived under this roof) I have been reminded “don’t hit the garbage cans”.  No shit, really?  If you didn’t tell me then I would be too dumb to notice the HUGE blue and green cans sitting at the end of the driveway because I am THAT oblivious to the world around me!  I must not be that bad of a driver.  I have had my license for almost 21 years and have had NO accidents!

While we were sitting in the car waiting to back out my mom has to make a comment about our neighbor pouring water on her car to clear to icy window.  She made the comment because our neighbor is hispanic.  If they were white she would not have made a comment.  Tim, our white neighbor, has been doing that for 30 years but because our hispanic neighbor did it she looks at is as the dumbest this on the planet!  Then we were stopped at a light and there was a larger woman waiting for a bus.  She was the size of my sister.  I was just waiting for a comment and sure enough my mom said “wow, look at that girl.  She reminds me of —–.  They are built just the same, they have the same shape.”  WHO THE F CARES!  I am so sick of the judgement!  Why can’t she just let people live their lives and do whatever they want?  Why does there always have to be negative comments?  I would just once like to hear “wow, that is a really pretty haircut on that woman” or “they did a really nice job on that yard”.  I am becoming so aware on why I am so negative and it is really annoying to hear the constant negative in others!  I WILL change this about myself and WILL NO LONGER BE THIS WAY TOWARDS OTHERS.







Little bit of stress

•March 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment


I am having some anxiety today.  I think it is the aftermath of yesterdays events.  My dad had an angiogram.  Everything went well but the stress of dealing with all of it got to me.  I was only able to sleep about 2 hours the night before so last night I crashed!  I think I slept about 10 hours which is a lot for me.

I have been stressed all week.  I am waiting to hear if I am approved for unemployment.  I found out my previous employer gave less than accurate information to the employment department and now I am having to go above and beyond to prove I made appropriate attempts to communicate with my employer while I was out on medical leave.  All the doctors involved in my care did not allow me to return to work in the timeframe required by my employer.  My now former employer told the employment department that they were willing to extend my leave if I had communicated with them that I was unable to return.  I did communicate with them!!!!! I emailed them every week while I was out and let them know I was unable to return because my doctors had not released me.  When my FMLA coverage ran out I received an email stating that if I was not going to return they were going to have to fill my position because of the workload.  I continued to email them weekly that I could not return to work because my doctor had released me.  They had the nerve to tell the employment department that I did not communicate with them!  I am not sure what else I could have done.   When I asked about coming back part-time I got an email response that I was terminated.  Ummmm ok??  I will find out in the next few days if I got approved for unemployment.  If I am declined for any reason I will be appealing this.  I have all of this communication in writing through emails to prove my side.  Hopefully that is enough.  I am not sure what I will do if I don’t get approved.  I will have to take any job I can go no matter how low the pay.  Any money coming in would be better than no money coming in, right?!   I have been applying for jobs.  In the past 2-3 weeks I have applied for 25+ jobs.  I am determined to get a job and start back to work as soon as possible.  If I could start working by May 1st I would be so thrilled!  I am one of those strange people who actually likes to work.  At my last job I LOVED taking care of “my people” and I LOVED my job.  I started as a receptionist so I got to know all of the employees quite well.  I then moved to benefits administrator then to payroll and benefits administrator (I didn’t like the payroll part so much) so I really got to know them!  I took pride in getting to know each employee and did my best to make sure they ALL were taken care of in any way they needed, even if it really wasn’t my job duty.  If someone needed something, I made sure they were taken care of.  Several of my co-workers were not approachable (including my boss-head of HR) so I became the main go-to.  I liked the feeling that I could help them.  Maybe it satisfied some need in me to be needed.  I know I was appreciated.  I have seen several of my peeps since I have left the company and they tell me how bad my replacements have been.  I took pride in my work and I am excited to use my skills and talents in my next position.  🙂

I was supposed to meet with my therapist on Thursday evening.  I am a little relieved she cancelled on me.  We had agreed to do a longer session to see if I could finally get to the point where I let out a good cry.  I cry every time I am in session with her but when I get to the point of a good meltdown I stop myself.  I don’t know exactly why I do it but I do.  I think part of it is that it just takes me that long to get in the “groove” of the session and by the time I do it is time to go.  We decided if I have a longer session on a Thursday we would not have to worry about someone coming after me because I am the only person she sees on Thursdays.  Because of what was going on with my dad I don’t think I was in the mindset to get into it.  I was feeling a little distant.  I think that is the best way to describe how I was feeling that night.  There was a little part of me that was disappointed when she cancelled.  It made me feel like I was seeing DD again.  She was known to cancel on me about every 3rd session.  I need to remind myself that M is not DD and that Thursdays are a bonus night.  M is NOT DD!  I have been seeing M for 6 weeks and have come SOOOOO far compared to  6 YEARS with DD.  I feel like M actually cares about me getting better and getting my life together.  I think no matter what, M will be a part of my life.  I have a long road ahead of me and I think no matter what, even if I get to a point where I feel “well” I am going to keep her in my life as a constant source of wellness.  Even if that means I see her once every few months for a check in when I am at the well point.  I do not ever want to feel again the way I felt for the entire year of 2012!  If I have to see a M or another counselor for the rest of my life to keep that from happening I will!







I miss….

•March 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Oh the many things I miss about you…

I miss walking from my house to your house and then walking around the neighborhood for hours talking about nothing and everything

I miss your hugs that made my heart so happy

I miss when you told me I was good enough and I believed you

I miss laying on your bed watching you playing on your computer

I miss going to restaurants for lunch and staying and talking so long we would order dinner too

I miss how you always had encouraging words

I miss how you didn’t care about my weight

I miss your sexy smile

I miss hearing you go on and on about work stuff even though I had no idea what you were talking about because you were so excited to tell me about it

I miss how you always sent me a text first

I miss how you always spill at M & E’s when you drink

I miss how you would say you miss me

I miss the smell of your cigars

I miss being in your truck with you

I miss how much you love talking about big cats

Most of all…I miss how I could tell you everything except how much I loved you

More updates

•March 11, 2013 • Leave a Comment


Today was a pretty good day.  I went to see my eye doctor for a follow-up appointment.  He is the one who caught the pseudotumor issue in the beginning.  I had a visual field test and it came back normal!!  What a relief.  He also checked my optic nerve which can be damaged by the extra pressure from the spinal fluid pushing on it.   Luckily it is not showing any signs of damage either.  He said the swelling is slowly going down and over time it will improve.  Everything takes time to go back to normal but according to my eye doctor I am doing everything I can be.

I got a call from my dear friend MK today.  She and I have been friends for about 6 1/2 years now.  I treasure her friendship.  She is one of those people I can go months without talking to and pick right up where we left off as if we had talked yesterday.  It has been some time since we have last talked on the phone.  She had her third baby a few months ago and then moved from one state (far from me) to another state (still far from me).  She has been busy getting her family settled in their new home.  We got each other caught up on all of life’s happenings over the past several months.  She is one of those people who I can tell anything to and she totally gets it.  It is like she and I have had similar experiences at different times in our lives and can relate on a level that others might not be  able to.  It is comforting to know she and I can talk and be comforted by each other even when talking about the not so fun stuff.  That’s what true friends are for!  She and I had a quick talk about JK.  She agreed with my step to distance myself from JK.  Her concern has always been that JK is doing nothing to improve and I am so easily influenced by the negativity.  I am finally improving and the concern is if I start to be around the “vibe” I may start to fall into that pattern again.  I have been spending my free time with some positive people lately.  I have noticed such a change in myself.  Though I am still struggling day-to-day, I am overall feeling better.  I never thought I would say this but… I really am looking forward to getting back to the working world!  There are only a few things that worry me.  The biggest is the interview itself.  That has always been a very stressful piece for me (as I mentioned in my last post).  The only other part I am a little bothered about is that I won’t be able to go to my counseling appointments with M and go to my LiveIt! class.  I am hoping to find an employer that is willing to work with me on the class.  M will be willing to work with me I am sure.  I see her Thursdays after she is off work so that day won’t be an issue.  It is Tuesdays or finding another day during the week.  I guess the worse case would be going to only one day a week.  I just don’t want to mess up or delay any of the progress I have made working with her.

I found a quote today that I found appropriate for my rant yesterday.  It kind of sums up my thoughts towards how I look at things with JK is choosing to deal with depression compared to how I am trying to deal with it.  I have no idea where it came from (I found it on Pinterest).  Is goes like this “Be miserable or motivate yourself, the choice is always yours”.  I feel like I made the choice to go to my primary care doctor when I was “on the verge” and ask for time off of work to deal with my problems.  When months went by with no improvement, I went to IOP (intensive outpatient treatment).  Through that I found a therapist and psychiatrist who have been able to help me.  It was through hard work and many tears I have been able to get a little better.  I have a very long road before I will be what I would consider happy or well but I am going to continue to work my butt off to get there.  I want it so I know I have to work for it.  Medication is not always the answer.  JK thinks that it is the key to solving the problem but is not always to whole answer.  It is too bad she isn’t being open-minded to the IOP process.  It has SOOOOOOOO much to offer if you are open to it.

Some of my next posts are going to be pretty difficult.  It has been nearly a year since things ended with CMB.  He and I were… whatever we were, until last April and it ended abruptly.  I don’t regret walking out the door the night I left, I just have not dealt with things emotionally yet.  I have so many things I want to say to him that I never will.  I know it will make me feel better to put it in writing, to get it out of my head.  There is still a possibility that I will see him.  I still hang out with some of his friends.  They know I do not want anything to do with him but on occasion he just shows up.  I need to be prepared in case I see him and he wants to have a conversations.  Let me clarify because I was not well, I was not hanging out with anyone the last 6+ months so there was no chance of running into him.  Only in the past few weeks I have been going out with friends again.  I don’t want to be caught off guard and run into him.  The last thing I want to do is get emotional in front of him!  I miss so many things about him but I will never be with him again!

I saw a few quotes/phrases today (again on Pinterest) that reminded me of him.  See below…..

“your arms around me felt like home.  I’m homesick”

“at some point you hae to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life”

“the hardest thing is not talking to someone you used to talk to everyday”

“Sometimes it’s not the person you miss. It’s the feeling you had when you were with them”

The night I walked out of his house this is exactly how I felt….   “there is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough”.

Looking back this quote hurts the most.  I think there is a piece of him that did love me but had no intention of loving me forever or loving me like he pretended to when we were together.  “the biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her”

I still get emotional thinking about him tonight.  I have never had a connection to a man like I did with him.  I know I will again.  I need to give it time.  Writing the letter and working with M will help for sure.